This article is part of my series, Recollections from 22 Years as a Father
My Parental Preparation
I did not read a lot of child behavioral materials before I became a father. I thought I was a smart, rational person and I could manage my children just like I managed everything else. Wrong! Once you get children to the walking and talking phase, you have also reached the point where they will not always sit down and be quiet. Now, you have a classic power struggle, and sometimes, things can get out of control.
Without proper training in managing conflict in kids, I thought being the bigger adult and holding the title of father, would naturally put me in charge. Naturally, my kids would follow along and fall in line. 
For those of you that are parents, you realize the fallacy of this belief. For me, it took some awkward and uncomfortable moments for me to research better ways to manage power struggles. What I found was that when the situation sparked into a fire, it was mostly about me and not really about them.
Sparks Ignite Fires
When I analyzed situations that got out of control, I found a lot of similarities. Most situations start out benign. I think, a lot of times, kids think it is enjoyable to troll us. They’re around you all of the time and they get bored. When you are bored, being disagreeable can break up the monotony. So, they push back on something you are trying to do. This is the spark. Your reaction determines if fuel is added to our spark. 
If you make light of it or ignore it, the fire may never get started. But, if you provide a significant reaction, the flames may start to grow. From here, logs get added quickly. You raise your voice, add a log. They refuse to comply, add another log. Better yet, they scream and throw a tantrum. Now, you just threw gasoline on the fire. Before you know it, your fire is out of control.
Prevention is the Best Cure
Preventing the fire is a lot easier than putting it out. Unfortunately, as parents, more attention gets paid to diffuse bad situations or squashing hysterical behaviors. Instead, I tried to figure out how I could prevent the fanning of the flames. It became clear to me that recognizing the signs and following these steps allowed me to stay in control:
- Recognize the situation as it is beginning to create conflict. The more you focus on recognizing the signs, the more clearly you will see the flags and diffuse things more quickly.
- State what you see. Attaching a name, labeling and categorizing calls out the behavior for both parties to recognize. This is especially helpful if this behavior is routine or frequent.
- State what you will do. You are in control of what you will do. If you say the car isn’t moving, it has to remain stationary until the conditions you set are met. It cannot be a threat. It is based on your kids meeting a reasonable position.
- Follow through. THIS IS THE CRITICAL PART. Relax and hold firm until your conditions have been met. Be patient and wait it out. The first few times, it may take a while, but if you are consistent, they realize it is pointless and will comply.
Confessions of a Burn Victim
I have lost control. I have yelled at my kids. None of us are perfect, especially me. Two of the things I think it is helpful to remember:
- Learn from when you make mistakes. Talk to your spouse and do some research. If you leave every poor interaction with a couple of solid tactics for next time, you improved.
- Your kids will understand. They have blown their top and they can understand. If you apologize and tell them you are working on it, they will give you an opportunity to improve. At that point, you can focus on making changes and the corresponding actions required to follow-through and make those improvements
