Have you ever heard this question: If you get stuck on a remote island and you can only bring 10 songs, which ones would you choose? One of my choices would definitely be “Can We Still Be Friends?” by Todd Rundgren. This song is one I could listen to over and over again. I recently found a new reason to enjoy it even more.
In the song, Rundgren laments over the break up of a lengthy relationship. He knows the relationship in its current arrangement must end but he wants to hold on to some part of the relationship and remain friendly. It is here that he beckons the line, “Don’t waste time feeling hurt” Even though I had listened to this song hundreds of times before when I heard it this last time, it really made me think.
Too Much Wasted Time
This line got me thinking about our limited time on this Earth with those we love. Inevitably, things happen in our relationships with those people causing strife and pain. When they do occur, I, for one, can find my feelings and pride hurt. I take it as a personal affront. Unfortunately, sometimes the process of reconciliation takes a long time. That length of time is basically a waste for everyone involved.
Time spent acting or being hurt does not accomplish anything. It does not heal your relationship. It is not enjoyable when you spend time alone sulking and feeling victimized. As Rundgren points out, it is merely wasted time that we can never recover. Instead of wasting that time, here are a few ideas to reduce the recovery period.
Stop Playing the Game
First, examine the relationship in question. Is the other person or entity putting in the same level of emotion and commitment? Be honest with yourself. Are they as hurt over the situation as much as you? If not, they are telling you something. It may not be that they want to end the relationship, but they may see it at a different level than you do. If so, you need to address it and find out. The truth may hurt, but at least you will know and be able to use your precious time most effectively.
Secondly, if they are invested in the same level as you, you should offer an apology. This is the fastest way to move forward past the hurt. Whether you are completely responsible or not, you should take control of the situation. If you really want to stop wasting your time feeling hurt and feeling like a victim, you need to nail this part. Force yourself to approach the other person and start the reconciliation process. There is not a proper or eloquent way to do it. You just have to do it.
Third, your apology must be heartfelt and lacking excuses. When you offer excuses, you convey to the other person that you are really not sorry and you are just trying to clear your own conscience. Instead, you want to show you are attempting to heal the relationship. Better yet, you may demonstrate your desire to take it to a deeper level.
Going through these steps demonstrates your commitment to the other person and the relationship in general. It shows how important the person is to you and opens up your vulnerabilities. This opening is where the healing takes place and is the fuel to strengthen the relationship. You are creating loyalty and buy-in that you want a longer, stronger partnership. Strong partnerships are key to really enjoy life to the fullest.
We’ve Been Through This Together
In the business world, I was trained to understand that making a mistake with a customer immediately becomes a key moment in the relationship. Inevitably, mistakes happen. It is how you recover from the mistake that makes the difference in the future of the relationship. If you recover well, the bonds in the relationship actually get stronger.
Strengthening relationships is similar to developing muscles. When you work out properly, the muscle breaks down and re-forms more strongly together and grows. You cannot develop muscle strength without tissue getting hurt and being repaired. Hence the saying, no pain; no gain.
It’s unrealistic to think you will not experience pain in your relationships with others. Being hurt free may actually be a sign you are not challenging each other in a healthy manner. When the hurt does happen, you need to seize control and deal with it swiftly. Your best bet is to quickly evaluate the relationship, repair things and move forward with enjoying your time.
If you cannot get it resolved and you appear to be at a different level of investment than the other person, it may be time to seek support about the relationship. It is okay to re-evaluate things and reflect on where things are heading. Strong partnerships are a key part of living a healthy existence. Seek them out and prioritize them over less edifying ones.
Can We Still be Friends?
We can't play this game anymore, but
Can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before, but
Can we still be friends?
We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Things are said one by one
Before you know it's all gone
Let's admit we made a mistake, but
Can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take, but
Can we still be friends?
It's a strange sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together
La la la la, la la la la
Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometime?
We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet sad old song
Songwriter: Todd Rundgren
Can We Still Be Friends lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc