This article is part of my series, Recollections from 22 Years as a Father
Forgiveness, an Introduction
When I became a parent, I put myself under a lot of stress to do everything correctly. I felt like if I did something wrong, I might leave an indelible, negative mark on my child for a lifetime. Basically, I stressed myself into thinking that if I didn’t instruct my kids correctly, I may ruin their ability to be functional adults.
Luckily for me, I had an occasion to be at the beach with a friend’s family for a couple of days. I was struggling with my kids’ behavior and I lost my patience, which had me down on myself. I proceeded to share my feelings with my friend and his dad. His dad imparted some of the best advice I have ever received. He said, “Your kids understand when you lose it. They will give you all kinds of opportunities to do the right thing the next time. And, the time after that, too.” That insight reduced my stress levels about constantly trying to be a better parent. It also helped me realize that kids are great at forgiveness. In addition, they act optimistically toward maintaining their relationships with others.
We Are Born to Forgive
This insight about kids and forgiveness enticed me to dig in to get a deeper understanding of the situation. The assumption of many is that adults/parents should be teaching kids behavior and how to manage relationships, but that does not seem to be the case. Kids are imprinted with abilities to forgive, forget, and to move on with expectations of a brighter future. As adults, we tend to make issues seem bigger than they are, insert ourselves into those issues arbitrarily, and attempt to force an outcome that may not be “right” but which creates peace and eliminates the problem.
Our learned behavior as humans preempts our natural abilities out of the womb to work through problems. We are reprogrammed by the fairness standards of the adults governing us as children. The trouble with that idea is that the adults are the ones that have accumulated baggage of emotions, memories, and crushed ambitions. We, as adults, have all dealt with putting up fronts, facades, fake emotions, etc. in an attempt to fit in and get along with others. All of these things make seeking and granting forgiveness difficult. Children, in their purest form, have not accumulated the baggage nor have they disguised themselves to fit in. If we learn from them, we can learn a lot about forgiving others, being forgiven, and moving on and wasting less time being hurt.
See Forgiveness through the Eyes of Children
These insights about forgiveness forced me to change how I dealt with others and with conflict in relationships. If you are around a bunch of kids for any length of time, you will witness challenging behavior and hurt feelings. It is right out in front of you and your eyes (and ears) will likely not miss it. But keep watching, these same kids that are crying one moment are back playing with the same kids the next moment. How does that happen? Here are 4 things we can learn from kids that will get us right back to playing if we let them:
Point #1: Go Ahead and Show Your Emotions
As you watch your kids as well as other kids, you see a lot of emotion. They put themselves out there and they show vulnerability. Maybe not on purpose, but that is the outcome. When emotions are out in the open, it is simpler to deal with them and understand what is going on with the other person. Hidden emotions are the most challenging with which to deal.
I was watching a program on 60 Minutes about prison reform. In the general population, everyone (guards, prisoners) guards their feelings and keep them tucked deep down inside. In a new program being tried on a limited scale, the prisoners and guards are encouraged to be vulnerable, to show emotions, and to interact with honesty. The result? Violence is almost zero. In addition, the recidivism rates in the German prisons inspiring the experiments are 50% better than US recidivism rates.
The point? Showing your emotions eliminates the guesswork in people dealing with you and with how you deal with them. In fact, it opens the door to more meaningful and deeper relationships. These are the kinds of friends and relationships I am seeking – deep, authentic, and in it for the long haul.
Point #2: Point it Out and Deal with It
Once you really feel it, you can call it out and deal with it. Your main objective should be figuring out the problem and resolving it so you can get back to what you really want to be doing. Kids understand this point better than most adults: Disagreements prevent you from playing and having fun.
So, how do you get back to having fun? Easy, fix the problem blocking you from your intended activity. The faster you fix the problem, the more quickly you can have fun. Kids realize this quickly and make amends. Once addressed, the kids waste little time getting back to playing with their friends and enjoying the benefits and companionship.
The best way, I have found, to “call the moment” is to frame its effect on you. Avoid focusing or pinning blame on them. Do not be nasty or confrontational. You want to be a friend and explain how
Point #3: Stop Thinking You’re Special
Behavioral scientist Reine van der Wal has done a great deal of research on the act of forgiveness. In one particular study in 2015, she experimented by separating children into two groups. The first group had been told they were special and unique compared to the second group. Conversely, the second group was told and reinforced that everyone in their group was equal. Her research found the “unique” group was less willing to be forgiving over a hurtful event than the other group of “equals”. Fascinating.
When you think you are special, you are less likely to be open-minded and more likely to see the other person at fault. This paradigm makes it more difficult to forgive and more likely to see the situation in a winner/loser scenario. We are, in fact, all special, but when it comes to forgiveness, we are better served to assume a humble posture. Humility allows others to feel special in your presence. It is key to allowing people to open up, share their emotions, and to realize their own potential.
If you desire to be special, be special in your level of humility and compassion towards others versus acting entitled or above it all. Gratitude and forgiveness are critical to feeling content and being at peace.
Point #4: Pretend You’re a Lawyer
Kids are so open-minded. I swear I have seen a kid change sides mid-argument because they realized it would be more beneficial to their situation. They are unhindered by sides and the process. They focus on the desired outcome. This is why we often think that children may grow up to be great lawyers and litigators.
The next time you are struggling with a relationship, grab a piece of paper and pretend to be a lawyer. Jot down your defense of their role. Instead of listing all of the things they did wrong, start listing things they did right. Get on their side and look for all evidence that their behaviors were focused on doing the right thing. You get the idea.
This process opens your mind and breaks down assumptions. Emotion focuses your brain on protecting and defending your actions to the detriment of being objective. Playing lawyer short circuits that brain activity and forces you to think more mindfully and completely about what happened.
“Living in the Now” is the Key to being More Forgiving
When you start to forgive like a child, you live in the now, not the future or the past. Being forgiving allows the healing to begin and frees you to move forward with an unencumbered mind. The result? You get back to what you enjoy with those you enjoy it the most.
Think about these four mindful steps to forgiveness when you interact with friends, family, and people on the street. You will unleash the power of bearing your emotions, being forthcoming about your differences, and focusing on being open-minded. You become a defender of your friends, as opposed to an instigator. Begin today and see the difference it will have on all of your relationships. You may even find room to be more forgiving to yourself.