This week I celebrated a birthday. On this day, I happened to wake up early. I laid there thinking. Not about my birthday, but about someone I lost since the pandemic began. I am not sure why. I had not thought about this person in a while, but there they were, at the top of my mind at 5 AM. Along with the thoughts and remembrances, I felt a deep sense of sadness. A profound way for me to celebrate a birthday – a new year coming for me and none coming for my friend.
I am certain, without the virus and the lockdown, she would still be here. Unfortunately, she is gone. Meanwhile, I’m still here processing through the change. The last time I saw her, she was laughing and inviting me to sit down and have a drink. Her laugh enticed me to laugh. I miss that. She was one of the people in my circle that was invested in me, which made me feel special. This morning, I really missed that. I wanted to experience that feeling.
I can think of at least 5 other people lost from my circle this year. Some near the center; others farther out in orbit. I suspect each of these people would still be with us had it not been for the virus and lockdown. Each one of them occupies my thoughts from time to time. It’s hard to process that they are no longer here. In my mind, they should be and it creates a different sadness than the others I have lost in previous years. I continue to try to understand why. As I process through it, I juxtapose their loss in my life against the importance I place on my activities and relationships.
I’ve Changed
These losses, in particular, and the pandemic, in general, have changed me. I am not in Tennessee due to the COVID, but the life I have made here is different than it would have been had the virus never come. All of the changes are not bad, just different. Less traffic, less going out, and a lot less interaction with other people. I have experienced a different Nashville, including a bombing, that also may have never occurred without this never-ending lockdown.
I believe this coming year will return us to something more resembling the life we knew prior to March 2020. But, I expect memories of the pandemic to linger. I am still sorting out what I think that means. I know there are people I will never see again. Others, whom I should have met, will represent a lost opportunity. To counter, I try to be more purposeful and tell the people that matter to me how I feel. I hope they understand it represents me trying to be invested. It doesn’t come easily to me for some reason.
In other ways, I just cannot imagine going back to the way things were. I can see a major highway out my window (Sarah Palin moment). Even with less traffic, I see a backup every day. I don’t miss the stress of commuting at all. Some fun social events have disappeared, but there are a whole bunch of obligatory gatherings that this introvert does not miss. The pandemic axed all of my “forced” activities. For the most part, I do not miss them one bit. I make the most of my time and I stay connected to those that value the connection. The pandemic separated what’s important from the fluff. For me, I will continue my search for what’s important as the pandemic eventually fades away.
Blow Out those Birthday Candles!
You don’t see them in the picture, but many lovely people surrounded me on my birthday. In true pandemic style, much of it was virtual. Friends sent me birthday wishes. Some from people I met since the pandemic started. Many others from people I’ve known for years. All of them took time to be part of my day. That was the important part for me. The picture looks terrible but the smile is genuine, and that, to me, is what counts. I have another year to keep figuring out what’s important and how I can do it better.